A Swell Game…of DEATH!!!

kitty_wampusAh.  Lookit Kitty Wampus.

So precious.  

Little party hat.  Little fluffy dress wif starched collar.  Little Demonic Face set into a rictus of a smile.

Ah, and look, you’ve just back little Kitty Wampus into a corner.  That wasn’t smart.  I’d be going now, if I were you…

Well, see, here I am, still trapped here in teh house and was just nosing around teh basement when I noticed this board game.  Mrs. Whatsername bought it because she thought it was keeeeee-yuuuuute.  So like her.  So clueless.  


And while you think Mrs. W. would love it, Arrested Pre-schooler that she is, the game was neva a big hit and here in the the promotional picture you can see why: there are blue tiles and red tiles and yellow tiles and, um…beige? tiles, and when it’s time to go, you flick the little arrow on the game spinner, which somehow always gets stuck on green.

And yet – There. Is. No. Green.  

So, it’s maddening and poorly designed and boring, but it’s not exactly murderous. 

or is it?

Luckily, Suzie, The Emerald-Eyed Empress of Snoozeville, had the perfect beddie-bye story about the real Kitty Wampus and all her gory details. 

The Wampus Cat - I don't know the artist - does anyone? please let me know if you do.Teh Wampus Cat, Suzie sez, is a Demon Kitteh, born deep in the dark Appalachian woods.  Legend has it that a Cherokee Woman was jealous that her husband got to attend the Ancient Hunting Ritual, so one night, she followed him, dressed in a cougar skin, to spy on the proceedings. But she was discovered, and as punishment, she was turned into a great, stinking She-Devil-Cat, who terrorizes the woods to this day.  

Of course, that’s the Mans version of the story.  Let Suzie tell you wut really happened…

Once Pon teh Times, a Cherokee Woman was a little fed up that her Husband and all his Hunting Buddies would leave camp for days on end, for a Double Top Secret, No Girls Allowed “Hunting Ritual,” as they called it, but all they eva seemed to come back wif was a hang-over and scrawny squirrel or two.  More than once the Chief had to drag them all home from other villages, where they found creating a Public Nuisance in the company of Dancing Girls who they insisted were just “really good friends.”

So something had to be done. One night, after she had tucked her little childrens into bed but they couldn’t sleep because of the noise and laughing and spitting and carrying-ons of this so-called Ritual, the Brave Woman marched into the fire circle, kicked empty beer cans outta her way, raised her fist to the night sky and cried –

“OH! Great Spirit! Let me show these morons how it’s done!”

And wif that, the sky was parted by a lightening bolt and before their blurry eyes, the Woman turned into a snarling, nasty, drooling pissed off kitteh.   

“You want to hunt? This is how you hunt.”

said she, and leapt into the woods like a panther, easily snagging a deer, a moose, an entire family of rabbits and a peacock.  She piled the foods at the feet of the Mans and instructed them to get to work, as she expected something a little nicer than Fried Squirrel Brains for breakfast, for once.  Later, she decided she preferred the life of the wild and so she left the mans with the crying babies and set off for a life of adventure, where she Hunts the Hunters to this very day.

Wow, Suzie.  That was great.  What a role model she is.  But the kitteh on the box…is that Baby Wampus?

No, that’s just a game the Mans came up, in a desperate attempt to entertain the childrens they were stuck with.  But the childrens, wisely, hated the game and so they turned into Snarling Demon Kittens and left to rejoin Mommy on the Hunting Trail.

Yes, that would be more fun.  Fanks for the great story, Suzie!


and also Fanks! to The Hiking Club of the Southeast Appalacian Trail as well as many other websites for these great folktales.  I wish we could credit the artist of the Wampus cat picture, but my searches didn’t find much.  If you know, please let us know so we can properly credit them.

20 thoughts on “A Swell Game…of DEATH!!!

    • well, sure. if you had been there, back in teh day, it would have taken a Mighty Big Hunter to bag such an awesome specimen of Squirrellyhood as you, but we’re talking posers, my friends…hunter wannabe’s. That’s what finally got the Wampus Cat’s goat. Scrawny, gristly, measley squirrels for breakfast from dunderheads who couldn’t bag anything better than that. would drive ANYONE crazy, right? I’m sure you understand.

  1. We have a REAL wampus here in the desert by where Mommy works! It’s slaughtering the bighorn sheep…and eating ’em! Mommy has seen the “leftovers”…and also the scat! Wampus has a large dorsal port, is what she says.

    • REAAALY? can I come for sleep over? cuz that scat is where it’s at, I’ll bet. The Mommy will have to show me this dorsal port of which she speaks, as I’m not getting it. is it a fin? is there some kind of All Terrain Wampus Cat where you live?! too cool…

  2. Me KNOWS your version of the story is the whole truths! My furrend Larry the Sasquatch says yous guys is 100% correct (and Kitty Wumpas is his bestest furrend!)

  3. Wow, that Suzie tells a mean tall tale, doesn’t she? That Kitty Wampus is one skeery lookin’ little kit, isn’t she? It’s enough to give a grown mancat the heebie-jeebies, that’s what it is. XXOXOX

  4. I dunno Sparky, I think our private conversations would be too shocking for the readership of SpittySpeaks. Perhaps we should just continue with our midnight rambles through the wilds of the park when we have REALLY super-secret private topics to discuss. I hope you’ll come tell me a secret later.

  5. That’s an interesting story. I would love to be able to go out and hunt!

    Je voulais vous remercier pour votre gentil message pour mon anniversaire sur le blog de Texas. Je sais que je suis très très en retard mais c’est de la faute de l’humaine !


    • oh…bof! les humaines! elles sont insupportables, non? que voulez vous, eh?
      beh, je suis sur que tu seras superbe comme chasseuresse…viens-toi, vite, chez moi, pour une leçcon!

  6. ♫ I’m just a lonesome Boy,
    Lonesome and bloo-ooo
    I’m all alone
    Wish Sparky wud fone… ♫ ♫

    Couldja come over and save a Good ManCat from the Bottle???

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