Kittehs! oh, this has been awful! I am trapped! TRAPPED.
The last thing I knew, there were piles of laundry to unfold and luggage to hide in and THEN – poof! Everything and everyone was gone, except for a bag of food and a note and mysterious woman who lets herself in and feeds us all wrong. And! AND, it gets worse, because she won’t open doors, no matter how politely I ask. She just sort of hunkers down when it’s time to leave, body-blocking all my stealthiest escape moves, like she received a degree in Hospitality Management training at Rikers Island.
It’s just so insulting.
These are my cell mates:
and it could be worse, I suppose, cuz Suzie always has lots of bed-time stories and The Ugly Kittenhas a wonderfully yummy smell. I lick his little door-stop shaped head every time I see him.
“Stop tasting me!”
he always shouts in that squeak-toy meow of his. Silly Kitten.
Somefing terrible must have happened to The Ugly Kitten, like an Ebil Magic Spell or an 8th grade Science Experiment Gone Bad, cuz there is no earfly reason a kitten should be so ugly. So, it’s really not his fault that he has that ginormous nose and that hippo butt. I’m always trying my best to keep him positive and lift his self esteem. So I spend a lot of time licking his little earsies, trying to get them to stand up and reminding him that his tail is sure to grow in some day soon.
“I am not a kitten. I don’t need a tail.”
“That’s the spirit,” I tell him, “but still, it could come in any day now. You wait and see.”
It kind of breaks my heart to see him try to be so brave.
Luckily, Suzie remembered that The Girl, who loves Ugly more than is seemly, if you ask me, was painting a lovely picture of him. It reminded her of a story…
Once pon teh times, a handsome kitteh was completely in loves with himself. Couldn’t stop looking in the mirror and didn’t even hiss when he did it. He liked looking at the kitteh in the mirror. Did it all day long. Then he got the fine idea of hiring a painter to capture his portrait so eva one could see his handsomeocity.
Eva one in town, from the Mayor on down, was mightily impressed with the portrait, and they stood in long lines to look at it.
But soon the Handsome Kitteh started to fret. The portrait would be lovely forever, while he aged and grew ugly. So he wanted moar.
“Oh! Basement Cat!” he cried, “keep me forever as Young and Dishy as this portrait! Let me neva grow old!”
Basement Kitteh heard his plea and was feeling like a real stinker that day so he granted his wish, but while the Handsome Kitteh impressed Lady Cats for years with his Never Ending Stud Muffin Status, his portrait grew decrepit.
In the portrait, his pointy teefs fell out and claws snagged on the carpet. Fleas chewed on his rear end until it was bald. His tail grew crooked, and his fur mangy and matted. Evatime the Kitteh walked past, the cloudy old eyes seemed to follow him with a reproachful glare and more than once, he swears the portrait passed gas.
Enough! cried the Handsome Kitteh. “Mock me no moar, you Demon!”
and he leapt on the painting to rip it to shreds. Except that he forgot the painting was next to the open window and he and the portrait tumbled out and landed with a splat onto the street below. Passersby found an ancient foul-smelling kitteh, tangled in a canvas of a beautiful young cat. They tossed the kitteh carcass into the recycling bin and hung the portait in the Mayor’s Office, to inspire eva one in the city with the Promise of Youth. The End.”
“See”, I said, “The Girl is doing the same fing for you with this painting. Only backwards.”
“What on earth are you babbling about now,” gweeped Ugly.
“Well, obviously, she is painting a magic portrait of you that will get more and more Awful as you turn moar like a Proper Kitten everyday. In fact, if the current state of Ugliness is any indication, I would say you are due to become a lovely kitteh sometime this afternoon. By breakfast tomorrow, at the latest. I’m sure of it. Oh! I’m so happy for you!”
and I licked his little head and sniffed under his pathetic little legs and licked his butt until he tried to nip me with his pathetic unsharpened little teefs.