Does your human insist on picking you up? Don’t it just want to make you scream? All that bare skin rubbing up against your fur… all those scratchy petroleum-based fiber clothes doused in Spring™ Mountain © Freshness,® and sweat…all those nonsense words coming out of their lumpy potato faces. Why do they sound like they’re mouths are constantly full of food? “Mumblety-bumblety kitty kitty kitty.” I mean, what does that even mean? And, of course, this always happens just after you’ve given yourself a lovely bath, am I right? Or maybe you made the mistake of giving them a polite hello or asking about dinner time and the next thing you know, you’re flying through the air and the stinky rub-fest begins. Just thinking about it gives me both heebees AND jeebees. Excuse me while I shake violently all over.
Okay, that’s better. It is a problem for many of us, especially those who were born with an Incurably Adorable Condition, which, come to think of it, is most of us. Here then, Loyal Fur Fans, is my five point Exit Strategy:
Step Two: Squirm. Gain claw traction on a shoulder or exposed belly as you proceed to…
Yes, I realize it is a five point plan with only four steps, but that’s only because I am so good at it. You may need all five, or as many as 15, or, in the case of really big block-headed humans, just go straight to the shredding of the face. I, however, raise my Humans in a Cruelty-free Environment and so far I haven’t needed to go down that road. But it’s always good to have a back up plan.