Oh. Hello Humans, trembling in fears. Poor you guys. Tonight is teh night of nights for kittehs! We finally gets a night to wander thru teh veil of mysteries, visitin’ teh dead, teh demons and teh creepy-crawlies. We gets to caterwaul and cat-around on the ends of broomsticks, an there is nuffin you can do ’bouts it cept stay home and eat candy. as if that will save you. good lucks with that. of course, it is harder for us to suck out your souls when you has Jolly Rancher breath, but there is no telling what the Demons of the Night will tell us to do and we are contractually obligated to follow their every evil whim. so no hard feeling or nuffin, i hopes.
Anyway, to get you in teh mood to be visited by feline furies and hairy harpies, i has spooooopkie stories for you.
Here we has teh very haunted Ft. Mcallister in Savannah, Georgia, teh last stop on Sherman’s March to teh sea. Also, teh playground of camp mascot, Tom Cat. This coal black and brave little soldier used to run along the earthen walls during battle, nonchalantly hopping over canon balls and dodging rifle fire wif ease. until, one day, he didn’t dodge quite so well. Poor Tom was so beloved by his fellow soldiers that his death was recorded and sent to General Beauregard. And then teh South lost teh war. coincidence? i doubt it.
Anyways, humans to this day still sees a black cat running, hither and yon along teh walls. sometimes, Civil War re-enactors will feel a furry face rub up against their leg and look down to see….nuffin’. One day, a 5th grader on a field trip hid from class mates in a room dug into teh fortified walls, thinking she was being funny. Then, when teh class wandered off w/o her, she was suddenly too scared to leave. she was found later by park officials who said the child was comforted by the sound of purring from an invisible cat.
her teacher made her write “i will not pet invisible cats” a billionty times, and yet, she still believes.
Finally, a ghost story of local hero, Demon Cat. I has plans to hang out wif him tonight, akshully.
All I has to do, apparently, is follow teh storm drain down past teh IRS building and into teh basement of the Capitol, where Demon Cat lurks in a catacomb under teh Rotunda, originally designed as Washington’s burial ground. Demon Cat is just a normal sized black kitteh – a completely ordinary, everyday Harbringer of Doom, UNTIL his victims is alone, or in the case of Capitol Hill Security guards, sufficiently drunk, and THEN his eyes glow yellowy and he grows into the size of a tiger, leaping at teh throats of its paralyzed and inebriated victim and den, disappearing into teh night. pretty funny, right? Ackshully, is not, cuz security guards has seen and shot at Demon Cat, even died of heart attacks after D.C.tried to play wif ‘em. Makes you wonder if teh capitol is staffed wif relatives of Barney Fife, but peeps is seriously scared of this guy. so this should be good.
Gots to go. Remember – be proud of your Scardey Cats tonight! and lay off teh Jolly Ranchers.